Help! I'm a Cruel Woman!


On Becoming More Sadistic

Sadistic Gun Moll?
Gorilla Girl and The Jane from Hell’s Kitchen must have been pretty rough.

When topping your boyfriend or husband you may find that you want to hurt him even more than you have. You want to cover his flesh with clothespins, slam the cane into his buttocks harder or increase the level of whatever sort of sadistic play you enjoy the most.

The increase in sadistic desire isn’t rare. Once you discover how much you enjoy working over a masochistic man your appetite increases. That isn’t necessarily a problem.

Unless you want to, say, beat him with more intensity than he can enjoy. What do you do then?

Some submissive men can find it rewarding to be pushed to the edge, to really suffer for the pleasure of the top. Not every session but at times. However real his desire to please you he may need lots of verbal reassurance, statement of your pleasure in his being able to offer this form of submission.

If your relationship or marriage is open you can find a male pain slut for the times you are feeling the most sadistic. To keep your more committed relationship intact you may have to agree to certain limits with the play partner: e.g., no kissing.

If you can’t find an outlet for the full force of your sadistic libido you will have to decide which matters most your current relationship or your frustrated longings.

This is an addendum to Guilty Female Sadists.

Guilty Female Sadists


Female Sadism isn’t Evil

You are a woman who has discovered that you like to hurt men. The idea of whipping a man excites you. As do images of men writing and whimpering in response to your actions.

Your sadism makes you feel guilty. It contradicts your feelings of female as nurturer. Or that you are dirty or a pervert: a bad woman.

If you scan the web you’ll discover plenty of dominant women who enjoy S&M. Regular women in addition to professional dominatrices. Real women in addition to the male masochists who pose as women. Conventional and unconventional women, wives, mothers, poets and accountants.

Sadism is a legitimate part of a person’s sexual orientation. As is masochism. And without sadists, masochists would go through life unfulfilled.

I know women who think the sight of a man willingly suffering for her pleasure among life’s greatest joys. As a masochist I’m so delighted that there are women who can enjoy me that way.

Sadomasochism is a two way street. Without you the road would be closed.

Followup: Help! I’m a Cruel Woman!

Still Girls and Boys

Emotional Health

Some dominant women actually want some elements of the traditional female / male heterosexual dynamic to still be in place in their romantic D/s relationships. What shape your power exchange takes is really up to the needs and desires of you and your submissive male partner.

Men and women don’t stop being men and women just because they are femdom people who like the woman to be on top. What you accomplish is largely the same, but the difference is in how you go about it. The differences are revealed often only upon close inspection.

Dominant women generally aren’t aggressive and obvious, but that’s because they are women, and women in general aren’t aggressive and obvious. If a man wants to know what pleases his lady, he may have to ask.

What’s wrong with that? Men and women have been like that since we have been male and female. It’s not deliberate. Thank hormones. Hormones are a fact of life. Fortunately nature very generously has given men and women an innate appreciation for each other despite our differences. This tends to smooth things over. :)

Subs: Do you like not having to initiate it all/be in charge?

Always Let Her Have Her Way


By Chris

… if in fact you obey your girlfriend or wife, 100% of the time, and never put pressure on her, at least the reality is that you are her slave, and both of you know it. Almost any woman would like to always get her way, and never have a fight, so be patient and be her slave, but never put any pressure on her, and see what happens as time goes by. You are in a FLR, however she defines it. Isn’t that what you want?

Romance and Submission


For me romantic love and submission are hopelessly intertwined, in fact I can safely say they are one and the same. That is not say I cannot enjoy a good whipping from a recently met acquaintance, but I believe that is more masochistic than submissive.

In that love, romantic or otherwise has an element of putting another’s likes, interests, satisfaction ahead of one’s own, of submerging one’s self, it is submissive. Generally love is not looked at and defined as submission. The emotional rituals of courting in a vanilla relationships are very similiar to those establishing a D/s relationship.

However, in a vanilla relationship one doesn’t get all the wonderful kinky stuff. Too often people define D/s in terms of bondage, whips, chains and etc, but those are a fun expansion of one’s sex life. If dominance and submission were not a part of our emotional and psychological make up we would not have individuals who identify themselves as sub or dom.

My guess is if someone finds romantic love incompatible with submission, for him, at the current time, the two are incompatible. My problem is I’ve always found romantic love impossible without submission.

(Old newsgroup posting.)

A Month of Slavery

Introducing D/s

This was left as comments on one of my other sites. Early I posted another of Chris’ comments here as 30 Days of Submission.

By Chris


Now the scenario I discussed was one with a “dominant” woman, who enjoys that mistress/slave relationship, in those terms. It’s time to examine reality. Most women are submissive, and most men dominant, as a matter of erotic pleasure. The women leave that in the bedroom, and tend to want a relatively equal relationship.

I’m very confident that because women are submissive, there are many more truly submissive women than men. We don’t recognize them as such, because they simply enjoy “the traditional female role”. We still have no problem with that. These women have decided they are going to be their husbands’ slaves, and they do exactly that. They cook all the meals, they let him control the money, they “ask” him if they can go out to wherever, or buy something, they serve him drinks, to all the housework, laundry, and never argue with him. Such a woman isn’t regarded as bizarre by her lazy husband. She’s a gift from heaven.

Continue reading "A Month of Slavery" »

30 Days of Submission

Introducing D/s

By Chris

I think most women will not be receptive to a FLR as submissive males wish it to be. However, I have no problem with simply telling her you are submissive, and would like to obey her for 30 days, to see what it’s like. Then do it, and obey her, IF she ever tells you to do something, and defer to her if there is a disagreement. She will like that.

Don’t push her. Once she realizes there is no pressure on her, she may become more comfortable with the idea. She may not. No matter what she does, you are her slave, and you both know it. After 30 days, tell her that if she ever wants to do it for a longer period, that you really enjoyed it. Then leave it alone. She will either embrace it or she won’t, but the best chance for her to embrace it to actually embrace a FLR yourself, since it’s what she wants, not what you want.

I think most submissives don’t actually want that, where the female always gets her way, but doesn’t embrace the total power exchange, so the male feels he’s better off in a vanilla equal relationship, but you will never know unless you try it for a long period of time, and keep your frustration totally in control. Be her slave, but let her decide what that means, and try to accept that you are the slave, and it’s all about her. If she wants to do most of the cooking, housework, and laundry, then obey her, like a good slave, and don’t complain about it. At least both of you know that you are in a FLR, however she defines and explores it, and you can’t judge it until you have done it for a long period of time.

Continue reading "30 Days of Submission" »


Happy Couples

Romance Magazine

This site - obviously I hope - help people, particularly women, see that there’s no conflict between enjoying beating the heck out of someone and loving him. Assuming of course he’s a masochist. BDSM is a “different loving.” But loving nonetheless.

Continue reading "Exemplary" »

Sweet BDSM


Dominance, Submission, Bondage, Sadism, Masochism and Romantic Love

People who think power exchange and sadomasochism are exclusive with romantic passion are either ignorant or inexperienced. Or have only met desperate wacky masochists (which do wander the web in great numbers).

A woman above and a man below.

BDSM and Romance are not mutually exclusive, though sadly, much of the current erotica published for mass media out there seems to catter to the view that it has to be.

For me, I do not think I nearly as fulfulled after a scene when there is not some element of romance involved, and I believe the same can be said about Silk as well. I am able to slip ‘deeper’ into headspace when I feel that I am traveling those dark road out of love rather then doing a scene to get my ‘kink fix’. Of course, Silk and I have also been accused of being sickenly sweet at times

It does also get under my skin a bit when look around sometimes and see so many do-me and (pain/bondage/whatever)sluts out there just letching Dom/mes for their next session. To me, a submissive should be looking for ways to sweep their partner off their feet, both in and out of scene…


First Time Domme


Your First Time Acting as His Mistress

Her First Sin

If you are new to it all youíll probably feel a bit insecure the first time you dominate your boyfriend or husband (or internet acquaintance).

Donít expect things to be perfect.

Donít let your guy manipulate you into trying acts for which you arenít ready. Set your limits and stick to them.

Start off with something that you are comfortable with. Perhaps he can prepare a meal and then serve it like a butler or waiter. Or he could give you a foot massage.

The first time you use bondage gear in a scene thereís apt to be at least one minor mishap. And that is all it is: minor.

You may have practiced on pillows but your first real life experience inflicting corporal punishment will see you feeling nervous. Even clumsy. Everyone engaged in S&:M has had to get through and past that. Experience will build skill.

Use any and every relaxation technique you know: visualization, deep breathing. Try to let go of yourself and enjoy what you are experiencing.

We wouldnít do these things if they werenít fun and fulfilling.

Am I Crazy?

Emotional Health

No Guilt. No Shame.

Woman being cured

If you are just beginning to admit or seek to act out fantasies of female dominance and sadism you may be wondering: Am I crazy or wicked?


The current image of sexual orientation is too naÔve. Sexual orientation is more than the degree to which we are attracted to the genders. It includes our tendencies to be erotically dominant or submissive; masochistic or sadistic.

A dominant female beginning to explore this part of her sexuality should remember that a man with similar desires is less likely to feel self-doubt. As in other parts of life women shouldn’t let social stereotyping inhibit them.

Pleasing in inflicting pain on men, enjoyment in seeing a man suffer can make a woman feel sick or evil.

Understand that female sadism is a necessary complement to heterosexual male masochism. Some men need a to be made to say “Ouch!” They need pain - of a carefully measured sort - in order to feel fulfilled.

Masochists need sadists. Together they enact performances and rituals that lead to mutual self-fulfillment. Consensual cruelty isn’t a bad thing at all.

As you begin your exploration you’ll discover that dominant women and submissive men are just as likely to be humane and happy as any other class of human being.

You don’t need t look for a cure.

The Newly Dominant Woman's Puzzle

Introducing D/s

Woman solving puzzle.

You’ve discovered that dominating men is something you enjoy. Perhaps feel you need to do. How, you wonder, should you go about being a dominant woman.

That depends on you. As an individual you will evolve your own habits and style.


  • Dress up in fetish wear
  • Jeans and a t-shirt
  • A pretty dress


  • Play parties
  • Your home
  • His home

Submissive Men

  • Serial hookups
  • Men you like
  • Men you love

Fitting F/m Into Your Life

  • 27/7, Lifestyle
  • Only during explicit BDSM sessions
  • Informal, fades in and out

And there are many other possibilities. Don’t let someone sell you on being who you aren’t.

Some women are dominant without being sadistic. Others are pure female sadists who enjoy inflicting pain but don’t care for Mistress/slave roles.

At the beginning your guide is what you think and fantasize about. Over time your habits and practices will be shaped by what you have discovered actually gives you the most satisfaction.

Rather than worrying about being perfect at the very beginning, just relax and enjoy the ride.

True Stories

Happy Couples

Share your own true story.

Tree Secrets romantic cover art.

Share it by using the comment form below.

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Martine Beswick as dominatrix.
Martine Beswick

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Romance Is Very High On My List Of Demands

Emotional Health

Sister of Mercy said in a comment:

I am a Domme looking for a subbie/hubbie and I agree that romance is very high on my list of “demands”. If you just want to be beaten then yes go to a professional. I have a normal life and can’t be “on” all the time

Unfortunately all too many men have their inner porn theater running almost all the time and forget about all the normal human things a woman might want in a relationship even if it includes D/s and S&M.


Happy Couples

A submissive househusband shares a corrective to that view of dominant women as bitches:

From time to time, my Wife will do a “random act of kindness” for me such as when She loaded the dishwasher yesterday. i always thank Her for doing such things and feel no guilt about it at all. After all, She loves me and wants me to be happy. If She takes the time out of Her busy day to do something for me, why should i mind? It doesn’t undermine Her Authority at all because i always remind myself that i don’t “earn” such kindness. Rather, Her actions are treats or gifts that She chooses to bestow upon me at Her whim.

After She left for work yesterday morning, i reflected on what She did and it made me feel very special and loved. And what is wrong with that?

Her Random Act of Kindness

Femdom Romance

Safe & Sane

Is there a more unhappily serious group of men than wanna be submissive males?

So many of you think a warm and vibrant woman wants to turn herself into a one-person fascist dictatorship or jailer.

You believe that she lays awake at night dreaming of a man she will do nothing but kick around and humiliate.

Now there’s a destiny for an intelligent loving female.

Romance is a part of this site’s name for a reason.

The hours of a shared life need to be filled with more than kink. And it is more fun to dominate someone you love and who loves you.

If for you female dominant D/s is about being mercilessly used, pitilessly tortured then go hire a professional dominatrix.

If you want to find a woman who’d really enjoy sharing her life with you - including ruling you - then think in terms of giving her a reason to want you. Not reasons to hold you in contempt.

Don’t confuse her desires with your fantasies.

Too Much Power Exchange

Happy Couples

The tendency for many of us is to try to figure out how to add more kink and fetish to our lives. It doesn’t hurt to remember: sometime is too much.

From an entry by Psyche:

He was feeling that we were too sceney and never really out of character. He’s never been a 24/7 type, and finds this difficult. Apparently this realisation just hit him, out of the blue, while I was domming.

I can see why this bothers him. Reflecting on what he said, it’s true. Since I now live with another kinky couple, who have a D/s situation running pretty constantly, I’ve been acting up to a similar level. My communal house-space has got very kink-heavy, and Cupid is finding it oppressive.

All change



This entry relies on a few stereotypes. It is a given that generalizations are of limited use. But they can be employed for a purpose.

When hitherto convedntional men and women begin exploring power exchange between dominant females and submissive males the latter is to run ahead. Less nicely put he’s impatient. Wants it all now.

His fantasy life has built up inside his mind and he’s burden with suppressed urges. Some of these are fantasies that may never come true. Others surely will given time for the relationship to progress properly.

This can be a real source of stress for a woman new to erotic dominance (and experienced ones as well but I’m assuming it is the woman taking her first steps with a boyfriend or husband - or maybe a stranger - who is most likely to read this).

Don’t Let Him Push You

Don’t let the guy wheedle you into trying something that you find distasteful or aren’t yet ready to explore. Your desires may expand, your confidence increase given time.

Some would say that refusing him is a natural part of D/s. Maybe: it depends on the relationship. But there is a more important element.

If a woman allows a man to push her faster and harder than she wants to go then she may decide to abandon the project of exploring dominance and submission with him. By giving in both may wind up with nothing.

Go at your own pace. Remind him that he has been telling you - as he surely has - that it is all about pleasing you. (Naturally both must be pleased or there’s no basis for a relationship.)

If gets too pushy refuse to dominant him for a week. In this case taking away the kink is more affective than employing some form of punishment which really may be a treat for the guy anyway.

For Wives & Girlfriends Who Don't Want to Dominate


Ms Rika offers advice for wives and girlfriends who aren’t comfortable with their husbands and boyfriends desires to be dominated:

You may dislike the imagery of the words ‘dominance’ and ‘submission’, ‘Mistress’ and ‘slave’. However, you might like the idea of your partner doting on you, alert to your needs, totally turned on by you, giving you massages, pulling his weight around the house (and then some), focusing on your thoughts and ideas, in short, treating you like a Queen. Personally, I have no interest in hurting my partner or having him kneel when I come in the room, but I absolutely adore the thought that it was his idea to just sit together and chat after he cleaned up from the lunch he prepared us and that he gets physically turned on by folding the laundry! Don’t blame him for using those other types of words. They’re what he’s been fed in the magazines and movies he’s seen. He just may not know better.

Read all of Tips for enjoying D/s when you’re not a dominatrix.

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