When He Feels a Failure
• Emotional Health
This morning I was reading the account of a man who convinced his wife to assume the dominant role within their marriage. He was unhappy.
She’d become very harsh. He seemed to feel unloved.
And a failure. He reads glowing reports of happy “sub hubbies” and despairs of being their equal (oddly one of those he cited was myself).
This is the comment that I left on his site:
Alexandra and I aren’t a LFA / FLR couple. We’re pretty much straight-ahead BDSM.
She enjoys hurting me and I just melt when I see a certain look in her eyes. I whimper; she laughs. But there’s never any thought that she is better than me or has a right to do this. It is mutual pleasure. If it didn’t make me happy we wouldn’t be doing it.
I also love being at her feet. And at night while she’s away in the UK I often see myself kneeling before her be it to rest my head in her lap or lick her boots. I have a very strong submissive streak and find real joy in worshipping her.
But we’re also “just” a couple. We do all the corny romantic things. We are equals.
She likes being bossy. I like catering to her: that was true of my vanilla lovers.
But we’ve never tried the houseboy thing. I’m very busy between my shop and my websites. So she does a fair share of the housework and cooking. If nothing else I’d have neither time nor energy for intense play sessions.
You should not be berating yourself. You are getting caught up in how other people live. Power exchange can be incorporated into a relationship in many ways ranging from the light and playful Dominant Diva style to 24/7 Total Power Exchange.
Other than encouraging you to think about what you really want and are really able to cope with I have no advice to offer. But don’t try to live up to what is presented on F/m blogs.
Your wife may be pushing you to see if you really want what see thinks you are asking for. Or she may be finding it hard to define her new role. Assuming a dominant role isn’t an easy thing. Especially if there is still some reluctance or negative role models in her own mind.
You probably should call a time-out from the power exchange and have serious conversations about how things are going.
Always wishing you the best of luck.
Comments
Hmmm. It seems I’ve been chastised. I guess I’m slowly developing my own interpretation of FLR and an appreciation of practicalities if such a relationship within my own marriage.
It’s a slow learning curve but I like to think I’m developing, despite the many mistakes I make along the way.
Posted by: subservire | February 22, 2007 7:45 PM
We all make mistakes as we work out what form of D/s is “our true way.”
Given good faith and communication there’s no shame in that.
Posted by: Richard | February 24, 2007 6:50 PM
Frankly I feel everyone develops the kinks along with any other wisdom. I never realized how Dominate, Period, I was until I hit about 30…I couldn’t even conceive that any one else felt or thought like I did. I had been searching for Myself and My mate for years..you are correct, both parties should be enjoying it…like a closed circuit feeding each other. But the underlying current should still be there no matter what you both are doing. That is when it is magical. Doing even the mundane and you both look up and the same thought crosses your minds…Magical.
Posted by: Ms.Leoninemane | October 19, 2007 3:30 PM