Making a Woman Dominant - Possible?

Introducing D/s

Can a wife or girlfriend with few - if any - kinky inclinations be persuaded to satisfy the submissive and masochistic desires of their husband or boyfriend?

Some say yes, others no. Here’s an extract from an ongoing discussion:

Looked at from this perspective, the question “Is it possible to ‘convert’ a straight woman to be the domme of your dreams?” needs careful examination. “Is it possible to ‘convert’ a straight woman” - I think it’s hard to argue that it’s wrong to try to open someone to new experiences that they might enjoy, and which might benefit the relationship. The problematic bit is “[to convert her to] the domme of your dreams?”. If it were possible to change the people around us into what we imagine we would like them to be, then life would be much easier than it is. Asking one’s partner to be dominant may be good, but insisting that they conform to a fantasy creation is clearly undesirable and impossible.

Read about Converting a Vanilla Woman into a Domme

Breakup or Divorce May Be the Only Solution

Emotional Health

Breaking Up May Be Hard to Do But …

A guy who really enjoys erotic spankings is deeply in the closet about it having never confessed his fetish to the women he has dated. Now he thinks he has met his ideal mate. Afraid of telling her of his need the man writes an advice columnist:

Most of the time I was Jack the Lad, with a string of different girlfriends and a reputation for being a good lover—but nothing was as erotic as my secret spanking sessions. Then I met my girlfriend. It was only two months ago, yet it seems like we’ve known each other forever. I feel sure that she is the one for me, and because of this I’ve stopped seeing my spanking friend.

I have to admit, though, that even though my partner and I have fantastic sex I can’t stop thinking about what I did with this woman.

If his girlfriend doesn’t want to spank him he asks if it would be OK to secretly meet the women who spanks him.

The advice columnist tells him he shouldn’t engage in clandestine spankings. And:

So don’t think of it if you want to keep her. I doubt she’ll finish it if you own up to having this very common fantasy. You never know, she might even go for it—plenty of couples do.

But if she really isn’t interested, forget it and all thoughts of secret spanking sessions with strangers.

It rarely occurs to advice columnists to tell someone with atypical erotic needs that if their vanilla partner can’t fulfill them then it may be best to end the relationship.

How many men and women are cheating and how many more are desperate and miserable because of their unmet sexual needs. Sometimes the only real solution is to be very brave and leave the secure but unsatisfying relationship.

Should I tell her I’m a secret spanker?

Feminization and Infidelity

Emotional Health

Fantasy or Divorce

Sissyfied Girly Boy
Sissifuss is a journal for sissy girly-boys.

For some men feminization and aspects of cuckoldry is desired as a way to expressed suppressed bisexuality.

This was left as a comment on one of my other sites. From what she wrote Patricia was enabling her husband to live the male sissy’s dream life.

my ex husband was into forced feminization. i went along with it for years, making him dress feminine and calling him polly, and eventually i threw away all his male clothes and replaced them with feminine versions of them e.g., i bought him ladies trouser suits, ladies shoes that didn’t have any heels on them but had very feminine pointed toes. he loved the feeling that he got when his clothes kept getting second glances from people, i also taught him how to apply light makeup everyday so his masculine facial features were disguised and his appearance was even more feminine. it kind of turned me on too. if we were at a family dinner he would excuse himself tp the bathroom and he would re-apply his makeup, or when we were out with friends and he would get compliments on his clothing from my friends saying that they suited him.

Then he made the most potentially fatal of requests: to be allowed - “forced” - to commit infidelity.

i loved being married to a sissy but eventually he wanted me to forced him to satisfy men and that’s when i drew the line and got out of the marriage. be careful how far you are willing to go with your husbands fantasies.

If you are have fantasies that exceed your partner’s tolerance, especially about important issues relating to intimacy like fidelity you need to remember that it is easy to go irrevocably, unforgivably too far.

Femdom With a Vanilla Husband

Emotional Health

Femdom and a Vanilla Husband

Illicit Wife

You’ve discovered that you are a dominant woman, female sadist. But your husband or life partner isn’t into kink at all, much less submissive. How do you find people to do BDSM with and lot sacrifice your marriage, romantic relationship?

I really do wish that this was something I could share with my husband. And yes (people always ask), I have tried to get him interested and he will go along because he knows it makes me happy but it doesn’t do anything for him. Well if it doesn’t do anything for him I don’t get into it. What’s the point if the other person isn’t enjoying it as well?

So….how many of you out there can just play without an emotional connection? You don’t really care about the person much, you met them at a play party, do a scene and that’s it. And how many need to really care about the person or be in a relationship with them?

Janet Hardy (Greenery Press):

I think it’s also a trap to imagine that it’s only possible to have one kind of romantic/love connection. There have been many periods in my life in which I’ve been in love with more than one person — it’s not a matter of loving A more or less than B, I just love each one differently.

Of course you’re not going to love your husband the same as your slave. But it can work to love them both. Love is not a zero-sum game.

Other responses: Emotional Connection or Not

Is There Any Girls?

Beginnings

girlsslave wrote:

I like to be a slave in femdom

i like group of girls pissing one me

spitting on me shitting on me

making fun of me. asking me lick their foot. kiss their foot.

feel in their feet.

is there any girls

Yes. They are called professional dominatrices.

You don’t show any concern for what she might like. Nor why she should oblige you by doing these things to her.

How To Tell Your Wife?

Introducing D/s

Traditional vanilla housewife.
Traditional wife may not welcome submission.

‘Mistress..i am a 53 year old man desperate to serve and please his Wife..but is afraid to really approach her in such a way that She will understand that it is for her joy..can You help me deal with this..please.’

Continue reading "How To Tell Your Wife?" »

Divorce Your Wife

Emotional Health

In reading the authentic - opposed to the fantasy - blogs I’ve observed the strain that men seeking to introduce power exchange (call it female led relationships or just plain old BDSM) bring their marriages and relationships.

Regardless of what the loving female authority cheerleaders say many women do not want to be the boss, head of the household or Mistress/Wife. They never will.

And I’ve witnessed some men who in offering their wife submission lose her. They wind up in divorce court.

That is sad, yes, but:

If your need to offer submission is so strong that it interferes with your functioning, your peace of mind and getting a good night’s sleep there’s something you have to face up to. You may love your wife or girlfriend but the two of you are incompatible.

For a man who wants to be a woman’s slave to continue to live with a vanilla woman is as futile as it is for a gay man to be a woman’s husband.

Leaving her - however painful it is - is the honorable and sane thing to do. There’s no shame in getting your needs met. And let her get on with the task of finding a man whose desires match hers.

Staying in a miserable marriage is often only the act of a coward.

Your Husband Wants You to Cuckold Him

Emotional Health

You’ve come to dominate your husband, perhaps in a playful way or maybe you’ve taken control of all the basics of the marriage (or partner if not legally wed). It seems to be going OK when he suddenly presents you with an unexpected wish.

Your husband (lover) wants you to have sex with another man.

You are deeply shocked. Maybe you can see it as a spicy fantasy but you don’t want, are repelled by the idea of sex with a stranger, sex outside of your relationship.

In a demented effort to validate his desire he shows you blogs by men who write of being cuckolded by their wives (most often called “Mistress Wife”).

Many of those blogs by supposedly submissive men are fiction. Fake. Phony. The cuckoldry described never actually happened.

Because so few women wish to “cheat” on their partner even with his consent cuckoldry is one of the least acted out femdom fetishes. If you scan many you’ll see the scenario often develops according to the common clichés of the genre:

The Femdom Cuckold Stereotype

  • The man describes himself as sexually inadequate.
  • Very often he says he has a small penis and that prevents him from satisfying his wife.
  • She decides that he doesn’t deserve sex and locks his penis up in a chastity device.
  • She makes him were some of her lingerie.
  • Eventually he is required to dress up as a girl, most often as a ‘sissymaid.’(Feminization, sissyfication seems a frequent theme.)
  • Wife cuckolds husband.
  • Her lover - often called a “bull” - meets and mocks husband.
  • Husband is required to lick his semen from his wife’s vagina.
  • Husband is forced to perform oral sex on bull.

The violent emotional forces at work explain why so many femdom cuckoldry blogs are lies.

Possible Causes of Cuckold Fantasies

  • The man desires much deeper humiliation than the wife will allow.
  • Some sort of gender dysphoria confuses the man.
  • The man is latently bisexual.

Unable to live his desires the man creates a fictional reality in a blog and on forums. Not uncommonly he writes as the cuckolding female.

Some men actually push their wife into doing this. Divorce is often the result. In many cases because the man is so deeply wounded when it really happens.

There really are F/m couples that practice cuckolding successfully. They are rare. And both the man and the woman have considerable emotional maturity and trust.

Many women come to despise the man that asks for this. Some wives leave their husband because knowing he wants this is intolerable.

This is one of those rare cases where a kink does require a counselor.

D/s and Parenting

Safe & Sane

Darren writes of a serious issue: how power exchange mixes with the roles of parents.

I won’t speak to how Sir feels on this issue, but where the difficulty comes in is finding a way to respect our relationship as Owner and slave without diminishing my own role as a parent. I am very conscious of how our power dynamic looks to the kids, and I fear I over-compensate some times by being over the top with them, that I puff out my chest to be overly-authoritative when the situation does not necessarily call for it.

Slavery and Parenting

Dominatrix Stereotype

Emotional Health

I have no problem with ProDommes. A skilled professional provides a valuable service and sex workers deserve respect.

Funny looking dominatrix.

But the mass media’s use of the imagery of professional dominant in movies and television is a huge hindrance to heterosexual men and women who wish to explore F/m power exchange.

To Women

If your husband expresses a desire to be dominated often it has nothing really to do with the glossy dominatrices of popular culture. His needs are likely subtler, very sincere and deadly serious. And if his notions have been corrupted by so much fantasizing it isn’t that hard to get him to range his expectations in.

To Men

BDSM, S&M, Femdom - none of this is as easy as it might sometimes seem from the mass media. Like any other human relationship it takes mindfulness and effort. And there’s never a short cut to honest useful communication.

Forget about what the folks at the Other World Kingdom seem to be doing and focus on the simple realities of your own life.

Submission as a Gift: A Variation

Happy Couples

There are very few loving but actually 24/7 couples who capture the beauty of slavery and ownership:

I have no doubt that there are many if not most slaves and even submisives, that will, would and have done exactly what they were told to do every single time. Some of those times, these tasks are minor in the grand scheme of things, and sometimes they are major life-changing steps to take. But what is that “gift” if the slave’s reaction afterward is that of disdain. And what if that disdain festers and becomes a thorn under the skin of his/her Owner? Is it still a gift then?

For me, it isn’t that he will do what he has been told to do. I know he will. But will there be a price for me to pay in some way? If there is, then there was no gift. That, for me, is not submission and I would own no one who would do what I ask, say to me “there, I’ve done it” then never let me forget it. That, to me, is a grudge and I am so very thankful that I have never had that to contend with. …

his Opinion Counts…

She Isn't Omnipotent

Safe & Sane

Below is a question someone asked about dealing with her Master’s seeming weakness in coping with an ex-wife and their shared children and my response.

Unfortunately it’s changing my perception of Master. I know that it’s not realistic to for any person to be 100% in control and omnipotent, especially if you live together. How do I stop seeing the side of my Master who has trouble saying no and focus on Master’s power and control over me?

The dominant’s nightmare.

I’m aware of my Domina’s weaknesses. Being what she calls her “rock” is a part of our love. My support adds to her strength for dominating me. Her dominance is something that exists between us. I don’t expect it to translate into the outside world.

Controlling a former spouse and children (especially after a divorce) can be about as difficult as controlling a raging thunderstorm.

He may have periods of illness and or disability when you will have to take control in many matters while he recovers (this seems to almost always happen in long-lived D/s relationships).

You might say the love has to be stronger than the submission.

Don’t know that this is any help but in thinking about it this way I rarely feel troubled by her limitations.

Getting Her to Dominate You

Introducing D/s

Advice on getting a woman (including your wife or girlfriend) to think about being your Domme:

It’s not about making her do something, it’s about making yourself in the right place, at the right time. Let her Dom you, if you know what I mean.

First of all, if you want your woman of choice to Dom you, you need to change your attitude. She does things her way, in her own time and you don’t get to make lists of instructions or items you want performed. You’re not ordering fast food now. A Domme is not EVER there to serve you, unless you’re paying for it.

The thing I most mislike about men looking for Dommes online is the attitude that we’re unpaid sex workers. Get it straight dickhead. We are not for hire, we do things you may not always like, we may not do everything you want done and we choose what pace we want to play at.

Read the whole article: Get Her to Domme You

Telling Your Wife

Introducing D/s

Mistress Kika and spirit have a wonderful loving relationship and it is no surprise that a man would turn to her when wanting to learn how to introduce the idea of loving female authority to his wife:

A key factor here is to always respect Her responses to what you are showing Her, either positive or negative. If you are too pushy, She will more than likely back off and it will be more difficult for you in the end. Always be honest & open with Her and encourage Her to express Her feelings by you doing the same, (lead by example). It may be a long process due to societal conditioning, however, with luck, She will realize that this is a wonderful lifestyle which will have many benefits to you both.

Her complete response: Telling his Wife

Can Your Turn Your Wife Into a Dominatrix?

Introducing D/s

I’ve bitten my tongue many times to keep myself from saying this to some men. But the Marquise is so right:

Is it possible to “convert” a straight woman to be the domme of your dreams? No. It’s not only impossible but it’s morally wrong even to try. If a woman has domme tendencies that are dormant or repressed, then I am all for encouraging those traits to blossom; however, if it’s not in her nature, then any attempt to manipulate her into the role is wrong and will fail. …

Sadly, I’ve read of men who have kept on trying for twenty years or more.

But some women may discover they do enjoy some sort of - possibly very light - erotic dominance. If the man doesn’t present it in such a manner that she’ll react rather than reflect.

However, what we consider our nature can sometimes be due to a limited and prejudiced understanding. What is often needed is honest self searching and experimentation so that experience and reflection can open up new areas of pleasure.

Gently share your this part of your inner life with her. Let her see that it isn’t like the images presented in mass culture. Nowadays the idea of light bondage and spankings aren’t as shocking as they once were.

One approach to consider is explaining to your partner what submissiveness means to you. The stereotypical images the media disseminate about this lifestyle allow a lot of room for misunderstanding. Assuming this is the only information source available, it wouldn’t be unusual for a woman to deduce that a sub male is simply one who wishes to be beaten, though of course there is much more to it than that. There is now a lot of reading material that conveys the joy and pleasure of bdsm and you may want to think about introducing her to these.

The Marquise’s own site is one of those resources. As are some of the nicer blogs by loving D/s couples.

Read her entire article: Conversion

Romancing the Domme

Qualities

By Lady Julia

DH Lawrence said, "And what's romance? Usually, a nice little tale where you have everything As You Like It, where rain never wets your jacket and gnats never bite your nose and it's always daisy-time. "

Not only is romance often viewed through the eyes of flowery literature, we've also been socialized to believe that it can be purchased. Valentine's Day, Anniversaries, Birthdays... all "special" days designated for the presentation of a romantic gesture. Advertisers spend untold amounts assuring us that we can guarantee that our loved one feel special - for the bargain price of $99.99 (you fill in the actual number).

So what of romance? Is it simply a nice little myth or a commercialized venture? I don't believe so, I think (as with many things in life) we just need to readjust the labels in our minds just a bit. Tweak things, so to speak.

I enjoy the "special days" as much as anyone, but I've come to realize that the most special day- the most romantic day - is the day in which we are, the greatest gifts we can give can't be purchased, and that actions do speak louder than words. If we're honest with ourselves, most of us would admit that deep inside we have an intense desire to feel special. We want to know that someone cares so much for us and values our presence in their lives to such a degree that, on a regular basis, their actions tell us and the world how much we mean to them.

What actions speak "romance" to me? What makes me feel special?

  • A determination to learn my language and to teach me his. We may come from different planets, but if we try hard enough, we can learn to understand one another.
  • An active awareness of the things that interest me. He certainly doesn't have to share in all of my passions or even have a desire to participate in each one, but he is familiar with those things that are important to me and makes an attempt to share in at least some of them.
  • The recognition of the value of honesty and integrity.
  • The realization that valor and honor aren't really nouns - they're active verbs.
  • The ability to peer past the facade, see the real me, and love me anyway.
  • The steadfastness to care for me when other people would truly want to run away. When a man holds your hair away from your face while you're being sick to your stomach - that's a clear demonstration of how special you are (and how special he is).

My list certainly isn't conclusive, but in composing it, it helped reaffirm my belief. Yes, romance is alive and well and truly does exist. We just have to know where to look.

Lady Julia

--

This is the first of two articles by Lady Julia on romancing a Domme. The rest can be found on her Dominance and Submission Articles page.

Friend, Girlfriend, Mistress

Long Distance Relationships

I’ve only recently discovered SeaDove’s blog. She writes very touchingly.

This is a fine example of how unkinky being pleasing can be even in a D/s relationship:

We met up and I instantly felt I was where I needed to be. He was there to take care of me and attend to me and serve me and to put the stress of the last week behind me and to bring a smile to my face. He succeeded!!!

The first thing he did for me sounds sort of silly, but it really shows that he is really there for me, and wanting to take care of me and my needs. As we were talking on the phone, figuring out where I needed to go to find him, I mentioned having to pee. So first things first, when I found him he made sure I got to go. It sounds silly, but it isn’t. He didn’t say, ‘can you hold it and we can drive here or there’, he just made sure that my needs were taken care of.

Lovely Day

Naturally long distance relationships breed uncertain thoughts:

I know I am jumping the gun, but I think about the future. What if we lived near by each other? (We are currently a 2 hour drive from each other.) Would I want to see him more than he would want to see me? Would he want more of my time than I want to give? How would our differences show up if we had to opportunity to see each other several times a week vs only a time or two a month?

Many women when they first think about being D/s, LFA fear they are expected to be monsters. Only a foolish man would want that.

I know there are people who would just say….I am the Domme and he is the sub and if he wants to be with me he should just put up with my way of life. Although on some level I agree with that. I don’t really agree with it on a day to day basis. He is human. He is more than just a submissive. He is a person that needs time to be himself.

Her guy says it so well:

He once wrote to me, “We are friends first, boyfriend and girlfriend second, Mistress and sub third.”

Opposites Attract

D/s as Chivalry

Happy Couples

A couple of years ago an online friend of many years standing told me that the chivalry she saw in me was much akin to the best qualities to be found in submissive me. It was then that we began the dialogue in which each of us shared our kinky sides.

More than ever we felt that we might be ideal complements. She decided to cross the ocean so that we could finally meet. The love we suspected proved real.

Reality means we’ve had our off times. But our romance has continued to evolve and deepen. Once or twice a month I make a point of writing about how much she means to me. This is an extract of something that I published a few months back on my personal site, Down On My Knees:

We aren’t a lifestyle couple. My joy in her is often catching a whiff of fading perfume as she leans against me as we watch a silly old movie.

Slave and surrender capture best for me the state to which I need her to take me.

Sometimes I’m afraid of her even though I know her eye and ear are attuned to emotional and physical dangers. She will use me, perhaps savagely, but always protect me.

When I’m lucky she takes away the layers of complication and leaves me not much more than a nervous system programmed to please her. My identity all but vanishes.

In my reduced state I don’t always remember what happened. But the afterglow is joyous.

Striving to conform to her will and whims. But this isn’t an inhuman relationship. My limitations, needs and wants have their space in her heart.

We become Goddess and slave because we love one another. It doesn’t fit the traditional paradigm of romance. That is present as well.

Think of it as a mutation of chivalry: a man’s devotion to his lady faire.

Caring Female Dominance

Introducing D/s

Many might think this too mild. And that is why many women will never consider erotic dominance within their relationship.

In the male fantasy, you seize control by power. In reality, you probably should not start acting dominant without any warning or agreement with him. That might confuse him. In any case, without any agreement, he has the standard set of rights. He wants to give up some of those rights to you (so that you can control him).

So the second step in becoming a dominant is to find out what rights he wants to give up. Do not argue for more. That is inappropriate. Do not argue for less — always accept whatever power he grants you. You do not have to use the power he is giving you, but you never turn it down.

You need to enforce the contract. If he breaks the contract, he one way or another needs to be punished. That might sound horrible, but he needs the contract to mean something, and it doesn’t mean anything if he can break it.

There is no problem with changing the contract. It starts out as his first best guesss at what he wants to give up, but he doesn’t know what he wants and situations change. But that requires discussion and agreement — he cannot simply abandon the contract because he wants to or does not have self-control or does not respect you.

From Caring Domination a collection of short articles to help women get their mind around female dominance.

Talking to Your Wife / Girlfriend About Femdom

Beginnings

By Mule

As the old saying goes, “You can lead a horse to water …”

The bottom line is, if your wife or girlfriend does not want to be in charge, then there is nothing you can do to make her take charge without putting a strain on the relationship.

The best you can do is get her to explore the possibilities. This depends on your (as in both of you) ability to communicate. You could try to “trick” her into it by presenting situations and hoping she picks up on it. This may work. However women can be as dense as men. She may not understand what you are trying to do.

If you are confident enough to stand rejection and you are sure your relationship is otherwise strong, then talk to her. There are several key points:

First impress upon her that you trust her enough to tell her your most intimate secrets. The conversation is not a criticism. You do not love her less if she doesn’t take charge. The fact that you are telling her these things means you love her enough to let her deeper into yourself.

Next impress upon her that you are asking only one thing: that she try to understand your feelings. You are not asking her to actually DO or change anything.

Dispel the myths. Maybe you do want her to wear a black leather corset and hip-high stiletto boots and beat you with a whip. If so, good luck trying to bring her from “vanilla” to “kink” in 4.5 seconds. Chances are you want something a lot smaller. There is nothing unusual, kinky, bad, abnormal, degrading, or otherwise evil about a FLR. It is as natural as any other part of your relationship.

Talk feelings and relationship rather than specific acts. If you want her to take charge, then you should not be scripting her and ordering her about like the director of a porno film. There will be times to work out details after the basics are accepted.

Take what you can get. There will be things that she will never do. There will be things you will never do (limits). First of all, limits change over time. Secondly, concentrate on what you agree you can do togehter rather than your differences. You can have a lot of fun doing the agreed upon things.

Women are amazing creatures. If she understands your feelings and if she loves you, she will make an accommodation for them. She will do what she can do. You must celebrate these victories. Let her know that you do appreciate even the smallest concession. As she gets more comfortable in her role, she will most likely expand it on her own initiative.

Submission is not for wimps. You have to have the confidence to bare your feelings to her. You have to have faith that she will accept them. You need to be prepared for rejection and ridicule. You need to assess whether the revelation will jeopardize the relationship. You need to ask if you love kink more than you love her. You need to know her well enough to know if she will blush with admiration at your confession or go running, shrieking into the night screaming “pervert,” never to be seen again.

Above all, always encourage, but don’t press. Respect her ability to make up her own mind on this matter.

From: Wife Conversion

Read More : Earlier Posts

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